Phone Sex Got You Tongue-Tied? 27 Tips to Help Loosen Your Lips

Get comfortable

Dim the lights, play some sexy music, maybe pour a glass of your favorite wine. Dress up in something cute, or sexy, or just… easy to take off.

Make sure there’s mutual enthusiastic consent

Phone sex is still sex, after all. You don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable by launching into an explicit description of your anatomy without asking first.

Getting and giving consent doesn’t have to be formal, try something like: “The sound of your voice makes me so horny. Would you be into talking to each other while we touch ourselves?”

Be clear on boundaries

Folks can get excited when they’re hot and bothered but you should know what the other person is comfortable with before you pull out your BDSM-for-beginners playbook. You can try having that talk in the moment, but it may be best to save the rougher stuff for another time after you’ve talked about it.

If the conversation starts to veer into territory you’re not cool with, be clear with them that’s not what you’re into.

If you want to practice, here are some phrases that’ll get you and your partner going:

• “Do you remember last week when you pressed me up against the wall?”
• “If I was there, how would you want me to wait for you?”
• “I love feeling your big hands grab my _____.”
• “Where’s your favorite place for me to kiss you?”
• “I would love it if you touched yourself on your _____.”
• “I’m getting wet/hard just thinking about your lips touching my skin.”
• “I’m using my [insert toy] right now on my _____.”
• “Do you miss me? What parts of my body do you miss most?”
• “I want to hear you make all those cute little noises you do when I touch your _____.”
• “I just really miss putting my mouth on your _____ until you get off.”

Build up slowly

Just like in-person sex, foreplay is essential. You can chat a bit about your day, then lead up to sexier things.

Make it collaborative

Building on consent, Sierra says you shouldn’t make demands of your partner. “Asking rather than demanding a certain type of behavior from your partner makes it more collaborative,” she states, “[It] puts less pressure on the situation.”

Lean on sensory details

Since you’re not physically together, you can’t get aroused by smelling/tasting/touching, so you have to imagine these details instead.

Talk about the way the fabric of your shorts feels against your thighs, or about the weight of your body pressing down on top of them — adjectives are your friend!

Avoid medical terms

The words you choose to describe body parts can make a big difference, so think about the effect each word might have. “Rectum” just isn’t as sweet-sounding as “booty”. (Unless, you know, that’s a kink of yours.) Similarly, “vagina” doesn’t roll off the lips the way “p*ssy” does.

Avoid overly metaphorical words

By all means, play around with language but remember, this isn’t a creative writing class. It’s unlikely many folks with vaginas want their body parts referred to as a “sheath” or a “honey pot.”

Reminisce about past encounters

“It’s helpful to draw upon conversations you’re already having or experiences that you might’ve already had together,” suggests Sierra. This can feel more accessible because you aren’t pulling ideas out of thin air — you’ve already been here. You can start by recounting your first kiss, and then lead on to steamier situations.

Describe a fantasy you have

Telling your partner what you’ve always wanted to do is a great way to see how receptive they are to the action in the future. If not, at least you can parlay with your imagination.

Tell your partner exactly what you’re doing to yourself

You don’t have to come up with elaborate fantasies to make this work. All the content you need is right in front of you. Touch yourself like you would when you’re alone and explain what you’re doing. If you want to take it a step further, ask them how they’d like you to touch yourself.

Debrief after the call

You don’t have to do this directly after you finish but you’ll want to have a recap convo in the near future. Ask them what they liked, and how they overall felt about the situation. This could give you fuel for more tele-sex in the future!

Make sure you reaffirm your partner as well — if this is their first time, they’ll likely be a little nervous!

Beyond the obvious benefit of traveling through the sexual response cycle, phone sex can deepen relationships and make you feel closer to your partner. It can be a powerful tool for people who live physically far apart.

Sierra says phone conversations are beneficial because “you’re able to reach each other and still stimulate curiosity and intimacy within the relationship without having to be physically together.”

Schedule phone sex dates

Like you would in-person dates, put something on the calendar to make sure you reserve time for one another. If you want to make it more fun, ask your partner to wear your favorite, sexy piece for you.

Experiment

If you’ve been with your partner for a long time, or even if you feel like you want to deepen a newer relationship, phone sex may be the perfect place to dip your toes in any kinks you’re interested in.

It’s a low-stakes way to discover an occasionally high-stakes lifestyle. If you’re leaning toward attempting a Dom/sub arrangement, have the Dom be in charge of leading the call. They can tell the sub different ways to touch themself.

Listen, you don’t have to make everything up all on your own. Most great artists sample, after all. So it’s time for some research as we traverse into new territory. So here are some options for you:

1. Slutbot. The creators of this service decided to make a program that will help you get better at sexting by sexting with a bot.
2. r/gonewildaudio. If you’re looking for less production and more authenticity, this subreddit is an audio bank of massive proportions. In this subreddit, users submit their own audio porn. Because it has something for everyone, you do have to wade through the thick of it to find what you may be looking for. However, the sidebar has a ton of content navigation help.
3. Girl on the Net. This sex blog features a TON of written erotica. The owner of the blog (who remains anonymous) also produces audio porn from the erotica, where the author (and guests!) read out their stories for you.
4. Dipsea. This female-founded and run audio erotica company produces ethically sound audio porn that’s queer-inclusive. It’s basically everything you’ve ever wanted. The clips are in 5- to 20-minute bursts and provide the perfect inspiration for all your sighs and murmurs.
5. OnlyFans. This is a way to pay sex workers directly! So many folks on OnlyFans will do sexy voiceovers of all the things they’d love to do to you. You can channel this inspiration into something quite kinky for your partner. If you’ve never interacted with a cam model before, this article has lots of helpful tips.

OK, maybe phone sex is only good as foreplay for you and your partner. Some folks do need visual cues to get off, and that’s cool too! The best thing about this age of technology is that you can hit a button and all of a sudden you can see each other’s faces. And, you know, other parts.

Here are some ways you can commit to dynamic play at a distance.

Send explicit GIFs back and forth

You might not have noticed, but most porn sites actually have a tab for photos and GIFs. It’s easy to save them to your phone and text back and forth. This is an amazing way to show your partner snapshots of what you’d like to do to them, or what you’d like done to you.

Switch to FaceTime or another video software

With the audio play as the appetizer, you can both watch each other finish off.

Create your own content

If you feel comfortable, you can always set up a little solo show. Whether you’re taking video or nudes, there are some key components to mastering homemade porn.

• Lighting is important. If you can, take photos in front of a window during the daytime (preferably, you know, a window that faces away from the street). If you’re less of a voyeur, consider color-changing light bulbs. They’re excellent for in-person sex, but also can make for photos that look like they came straight out of a sex club.
• Tidy up any distractions. You want to clean up a touch before you start to take nudes. Seeing all the dirty laundry on your floor is kiiiind of a turnoff — and super distracting.
• Find your angle. This is the hard part: You’ve got to pose! Luckily, many phones have a timer option these days so you can prop your phone and try a bunch of different poses. Don’t get too hung up on this part — your partner is going to love seeing your body regardless.
• Face or no face? This is a big consideration. Depending on trust and comfort, how do we make our body and face look cute all at once? Well, at the end of the day, you can crop it out if you don’t like it!

Are you feeling awkward? It’s OK! Here are some tips on how to go with the flow.

• It’s for fun! This isn’t a test of how sexy you are or a measure of your sexual prowess. If it was, everyone who says they’re “packing” would actually be telling the truth.
• Admit you’re nervous to your partner. Once admitting any squicky feelings, Sierra says you can “wait for your partner to be able to affirm you or to validate those feelings.” A healthy partner will try to reassure your insecurities.
• Don’t be afraid to laugh! Sex doesn’t have to be serious and it’s often quite funny.
• Be open to any outcome. Don’t expect your partner to get off. If it ends spontaneously, it ends spontaneously. After all, sex doesn’t always have to end in orgasm.
• Remember that you don’t have to be an expert. You’re not a phone sex operator, and that’s OK! The worst thing that could happen is that you say something silly, and a good partner would simply chuckle at it.